Irwin Tools – Self Talk Self Esteem and Confidence

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Healthy self-esteem and self-confidence can help you lead a more fulfilling life.

Self-esteem and self-confidence overlap, but they are different.

Self-esteem refers to whether you appreciate and value yourself. Your self-esteem develops and changes as a result of your life experiences and interactions with other people.

Self-confidence is your belief in yourself and your abilities. This can change depending on the situation. It’s normal to feel quite confident in some circumstances and less confident in others.

A healthy amount of self-esteem is necessary to have the self-confidence to meet life’s challenges and participate in things you find enjoyable and rewarding.
How low self-esteem or self-confidence can affect you

Many people experience low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Some are only affected in particular situations, but for others it can be restricting or debilitating.

If you have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, you may find that individual negative or disappointing experiences affect how you feel about yourself. This can cause a self-perpetuating cycle of negative thinking where negative expectations for the future discourage you from trying. This leads to disappointing outcomes.

For example, if you’re lacking self-confidence and receive a low mark for an assignment, you may think, “What else could I expect? I’m stupid. This proves it, and I might as well leave.”

If you have healthy self-esteem and receive a low mark, you may think, “I wonder where I went wrong? I’ll find out so that I can do better next time.” Although you may feel disappointed by the low mark, you don’t feel diminished as a person.

Low self-confidence can result in:

shyness
communication difficulties
social anxiety
lack of assertiveness.

Low self-esteem may cause you to develop a strong critical internal voice (an ‘inner critic’) that tends to express itself loudly when you’re feeling distressed, overwhelmed or judged by others. This inner critic can cause significant personal distress by contributing to feelings of sadness, anxiety or anger.

Believing your inner critic can cause you to:

think negative things about yourself
believe your negative thoughts are always true
ignore your strengths and abilities
focus on your mistakes and failings while ignoring the positive
expect the worst
avoid challenges or situations where you feel you could be judged by others
think that you don’t deserve to have pleasure or fun.

This can affect your life in many ways such as by reducing your university performance due to fear or negativity. It can also interfere with your personal relationships and make communication difficult.
Self-esteem test: evaluate your general level of self-esteem by taking this online test.
Ways to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence

Here are some things you can do to better understand your needs and build your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Improving self-esteem: use this workbook and other downloadable resources to help you understand and improve your self-esteem.
Building self-confidence: complete this step-by-step approach to assessing and improving your self-confidence.
Practise self-acceptance

Becoming more accepting of yourself helps you to feel OK about yourself and other people, regardless of the situation.

Everyone makes mistakes. When you practise self-acceptance you can:

acknowledge that mistakes are part of learning
identify ways you may be able to solve problems differently or change to get a different outcome
be critical of your behaviour and try to change it without being critical of yourself.

Get to know yourself

Take notice of experiences or thoughts that increase or decrease your self-confidence or self-esteem.

Identify your strengths, abilities and achievements. Be honest and include everything you’re proud of, no matter how small. Think about what they mean to you and why they’re important to you.

Think about what you’d like to change or improve about yourself, and how you can do that.
Reprogram your thinking

Pay attention to the language you use when you talk to yourself or describe yourself to others. We are often more kind and generous to other people than we are to ourselves.

Recognise and challenge your inner critic. Focus on the messages that make you value yourself, and turn down those that make you think negatively about your value or ability. Reprogram your thinking with positive self-talk and affirmations.
Be more assertive

Learn to assert your needs. Don’t feel guilty about asking others for what you want, or saying no to what you don’t want.
Assert yourself!: learn approaches to develop assertion skills.
Make changes in your life

You may decide you want to make changes in your life to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Think about what you can change that will improve how you feel about yourself. For example, you may want to make changes in your studies, job or relationships, or develop new skills.

Make a plan so that you can:

identify specific goals that will challenge you
break each goal down into achievable steps
build on your success after each step.

Surround yourself with positive influences

Spend time with people who like you for who you are. Avoid people who are constantly negative or critical, but don’t withdraw from genuine social contact.
Reward yourself

Celebrate your achievements as you practise building your self-esteem and self-confidence. Make time to treat yourself with experiences and activities you value.
Share with others

If you can, tell a good friend what you’re doing. Their encouragement and feedback on the changes you’re making could be invaluable support.

You can also help other people to see themselves as capable and worthwhile.

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